Once my daughter came home and told me, you know mumma my friend Sakshi, her mom calls her fatso and makes fun of her. Can you tell her mom not to speak like this with her, please?
She feels so bad. She said she won’t even come to my party because she doesn’t look good.
I tried to explain to my daughter, that every mother loves her the child the most. She must be saying this just to encourage her to eat healthy and exercise.
But her way of saying this, is not right. It’s not helping her, my daughter said.
Actually, she was right.
It’s very true that many times we parents end up saying things to our children we must never ever say. Many times, we use a tone (sarcastic or demeaning) that we must never use with our children.
It might happen because we are worried or concerned about our children. But we don’t realise that nagging, criticising and scolding children have much detrimental effect on them than we could’ve ever imagined.
Any coach, therapist or psychologist can tell you that all the issues of confidence, self-esteem and relationship problems adults bring to their counsellors, all stem from their childhood.
What parents say to their children at a young age, that becomes their inner voice. They start seeing themselves as per those labels and most of them are not able to come out of those shackles.
Self-esteem plays a crucial role in a child’s development and shaping their personality.
Look out if you ever say such things to your child…
Why are you so shy?
Why are you crying all the time?
If you don’t move, you’ll end up being so fat.
You are so dirty.
How unorganised and messy you are.
Why do I need to keep reminding you, of your own work?
Why are you so lazy / slow / procrastinator?
If you don’t study well, you’re going to spoil your life.
Why are you so rude / disrespectful / arrogant?
Don’t you feel ashamed when you behave like this?
The reality is such words are commonly used by parents, with an intention to help their child improve.
All such comments and criticisms make children feel really bad about themselves and their self-esteem goes down big time. Many times, it’s too late to even restore, as the damage is already done.
And the problem is, this never ever helps them improve. Rather their behavior becomes worse because they’re feeling bad about themselves.
As parents, we want to guide our children to be respectful, active and self-disciplined.
But if we are not careful how we’re using our words and tone, when we’re trying to help them, we end up rather damaging their capability to do better in life.
A simple tip to avoid that is – Be Respectful and kind in your actions, words and the tone you use with your child, no matter what your child is doing or has done.
Trust me, you’ll get better results in terms of their behaviour and habits.
Fill your child’s heart and mind with positive words of acknowledgment and appreciation. Share all their qualities with them, on a regular basis.
“Tell them every day, how proud you are to have them.”
Other people, society and the world might bring down your child, but you should never be the one doing it.
As a parent, your job is to fill up your child’s bucket of self-esteem so full with love, acceptance and appreciation. Even if the whole world pokes holes in it, no one is able to drain it empty.
Love, Acceptance and Kindness is the way.