Most of the couples spend their life on a continuum of joy and harmony to conflict, hurt and struggle; what matters most is where they stay more on this continuum.
Psychology studies on marriage advice show that ‘Love’ itself is not enough to create a happy and fulfilled married life. Interestingly, most of the struggling couples said that they loved each other even though they could not stand the other even for an hour without a conflict or argument.
So what are the factors that influence and determine the environment between these couples? What makes them a happy or a fighting couple?
If we take the two extremes of this continuum and describe couples as Joy couples and struggle couples – the most crucial difference found in them is “their mindset.”
Lets look at some of the aspects of these different mindsets and how that impact emotional states of the individuals and their marriage relationships.
1. How do couples perceive things in life – Perception:
Situations Vs. Problems
Whether a particular situation is really a problem or not – depends upon a person’s perception. Problems do exist, though mostly they are like mirages or shadows, which appear big due to a certain condition of mind, like insecurity or unhappiness.
When insecure or unhappy spouses look at their partner doing something they do not approve or talking to someone they don’t like, it becomes a problem seen through the lens of insecurity.
Hence they create an illusion of a problem, even if the problem is not there.
While a couple with trust in each other, experience and accept these differences as part of being in a relationship with a different human being.
This way of looking at things, help them generate compassion and affection for their partner even in adverse situations.
2. Second one is what they believe – Beliefs:
Rights Vs. Righteousness
My way or the high way! This mantra can lead to as many conflicts in a relationship as possible! To a struggle couple, Life looks like a certain way and they assume that’s the only way it really is!
Every time they disagree, they react emotionally. They feel angry or hurt and try to convince other to their “view of the world.” Their goal in life is to fix their dysfunctional partner and change them for good because then only, their life would be good and they will be happy.
The couples on the Joy side understand that there is nothing right or wrong in life. We all are different and bound to have different values, beliefs, likes and dislikes. We all have right to our opinions and don’t need to like or agree the same things in life. We can still enjoy each other’s company and have a balance even if we disagree on certain things.
3. What do they focus upon – Attention:
Intimacy Vs. Solutions
Struggle couples always pay attention to the issues in their life and try to solve them. It can be any thing like finances, in-laws, children or daily chores. And if no issues, they find fault in things like health and habits and try to solve all those.
They do not even notice that the passion and intimacy that held their relationship once, is now crushed in this daily grind.
Joy couples believe that issues are normal part of life and they can better handle it with calm mind. So they try not to jump into fixing anything instantly, rather focus on maintaining the closeness and intimacy in their relationship.
It is more important for them that whether they laughed together or not, than whether their spouse did everything right. Most of the time they do not even need to do anything to solve the issues and it dissolves naturally.
They know when they are in a good mood with positive mind, problems don’t seem that big and are much easier to handle.
4. The kind of actions they take – Behaviour:
Communicate Vs. React
Many couples believe that arguing and fighting in part of a healthy relationship. Only if it does not lead to use of harsh words, hurt and grudges. Any kind of negative actions like arguments, fights, sarcasm or insult etc. trigger negative emotions, resentment and only bring the worst out of each other.
On the other hand, joy couples do have disagreement with their partners but they do not survive on the need to act from that place and take an action immediately.
They are emotionally sound and try not to judge rather prefer to find alignment with the truth of other person. They communicate honestly with empathy and respect and listen to each other.
In this way they see the higher being of each other and bring the best out of each other.
5. Last but not the least – Their attitude towards life:
Contentment vs. helplessness
“As we are married now, you’re going to complete me and make me happy” – that’s the mantra of a struggle couple. They think its their partner’s job to make them happy. There is neediness and helplessness in these relationships.
While when two partners are content and fulfilled as an individual, they have an “attitude of gratitude” towards their partner. They understand that their happiness is their own responsibility and not their partner’s.
Where do you stand on the continuum most of the times and what mindset and beliefs do you hold on to, in relationship with self and your partner.
If you are not on the Joy side, do not get disheartened. The Good news is – mindset is not permanent like your genes, it is learnt usually through our upbringing and experiences.
Hence, once you get an awareness of it and willingness to change, you can most certainly change it with practice.
And if you find it difficult to bring a change on your own, take help of a professional for marriage advice. Feel free to write to me at connect@salonisingh.com
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Thanks dear Pooja!Glad you liked!
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