Can you help me with my perfectionism? Shivali asked me in the very first session (name changed for confidential purposes). There was anxiety and overwhelm in her voice.
Tell me more please, I asked.
See; I am always trying to improve, be better rather best at everything because I am never good enough. It’s literally like a disease running on my mind with a constant pressure of what would they think of me?
And how is it affecting your life?
In many ways really, I never realised before that I feel my accomplishments are never good enough.
I am vulnerable to rejection and constantly seek external approval. Even many times, I do what I should, not what I want.
I am hard on myself and others too. I feel I never measure up and I have become critical of my family too.
Awareness is the first step that you’ve already achieved, so pat yourself. The next step is to realise something profound – “What they think about you is not about who you are, rather it’s always about who they are.”
Really! It was quite a revelation for her after a lifelong habit of taking things personally.
I further explored, what will happen if after all hard work and trial you become ‘the best’ at everything?
Oh! I think I’ll be happy.
Will you? First of all are you sure you won’t have another thing to go after, try to be best in that? And the second one is are you ready to put your present life into hell for a far-fetched happiness which is in noway guaranteed because your best might not be others best.
Does it seem like a good plan by a perfectionist like you?
Her face relaxed for the first time with a beautiful smile and shift in perception. I never thought that in this way? I wonder can I have a conscious control on how I think?
Absolutely! Now that’s sure topic for another blog. Till then do share if perfectionism is affecting your life in some way. How you deal with perfectionism of self and others in your life. I would love to hear.