Teens are usually quite impulsive by nature. Most of them won’t think much before speaking and might not even mean what they say.
That does not mean that they can behave disrespectfully to parents and others. This is really a crucial time for them to learn to manage their negative emotions, their anger and disappointments in a better way than yelling, answering back or slamming the door; before they go out in the world on their own.
As a parent, what can you do to help them (and yourself too)?
The first thing to do is take a step back and notice, how strong is your bond with your teen and focus on strengthening it even more. Which means better listening, understanding and trusting them, also respecting their point of view.
Once a connection is established you can look at the practical ways to deal with the backtalk.
1. Do not take it personally
I am sure it hurts to hear your child screaming – I hate you. It can feel very personal and painful, but believe it or not, it is just their anger talking.
They never mean it or want to hurt you. It just means they are really frustrated in that moment.
Try to focus on what they are feeling rather than their angry words.
2. Stay consistent with the Family rules
If you already not have them, establish rules about being respectful to everyone in the family, with consensus. Also discuss what will be the consequences if someone does not follow.
Remember to follow yourself and remind others to do the same on consistent basis.
3. Work on staying calm
The golden rule of any conflict or problem always remains the same – “Stay calm”.
If you need to go out of that room, go! Whatever you need to do to stay calm, do it! You can repeat (in your mind) I am going to stay calm, whatever happens.
Take a deep breath and say calm!
4. Gentle warning
Once you are calm, you can warn your teen and remind about the respect rule. Ask them to discuss politely. You can tell them there will be consequences if they still do not stop.
Stay consistent and firm about the consequences too.
5. Avoid the temptation to argue
If you are feeling angry or bad, it is ok. Avoid any temptation to argue till you and other person are calm enough to discuss nicely.
Do not let your temper get the best out of you.
6. Never give in
If your teen try to emotionally blakmail you by saying you are the worst parent or they will do this or that. Do not give in, as that will give them a wrong message and reinforce bad behaviour.
Instead emphasise that you love them a lot irrespective of what they say and you will stand for your decision because that is in best interest of your child. You can even use humour to make them laugh at their smart tactic.
Ever tried a loving smile (not sarcastic) or flying hug or kiss in the middle of such arguements 🙂
7. Make time to connect
The most important task after you have one argument or tiff with your teen is to make sure to put an effort to take time to connect with them 1:1 the same or next day. It can be done just by listening to them over a coffee, or doing something with them that they like to do (music or a game maybe).
There is no quick fixes or alternate to Connection; the more you connect with your child and make them feel truly listened; the more respectful they will be to you and others too.
How do you deal with teen rage or rebel? If you have any experience that you would like to share, please do. I would love to hear.
Much Love.